Well, I am going to place this here to say how brilliant my 21st birthday party was - both of them! So thanks to my friends and family for attending! Both parties were truly a success and I have to thank my mother for this. However, the past few days have been incredibly difficult for our family as it splits and tears even further.
I am really scared about my dad as he is drinking more than ever, and it's scary. My mum is very upset and there is not much I can do, but she needs to bear in mind, I am still recovering from a serious difficulty in my life, and I need her to be strong for me, I really do.
I do not know where this is going but I do know that I have been quite depressed for quite a while now, and it's not doing me much good when they argue. But then again, they argue every day that they see each other, but they are too scared to do anything about it.
My life is being swayed from side to side like a ship in the ocean, as my parents will not stop their bickering. I want to one day become independent, but I can not do that yet and I am sick of hiding behind a mask and saying everything is alright, whilst I run away from it all. Something needs to be done soon, otherwise, I am not going to make that recovery that I need.
And just to let you know, I am still physically and mentally very weak, and I am still struggling with depression. But it's getting worse, as my father drinks more and my mother cannot cope with it.
The advantages however are that I do not drink, and I do not hang on to things that I do not need - learning from his mistakes. My life for 15 odd years has been living in a house full of hoardings - stuff that is barely ever used - where churning is a regular activity that we all have to do four or five times a year because my father cannot get rid of anything, and where arguing is the essence of our family. It does not stop and it makes me do things I would not normally do like get angry with people and run away without telling anyone. I am sick of this, and to that end, I am now considering leaving for good and never coming back to them. It seems like that is really the only option I have to recover - to become self-dependent, although I should have someone caring for me, my weekends are what leave me like this through the week.
It is now 01:00 in the morning, and I am still typing, despite being exhausted earlier, I cannot sleep. This is always the case on Monday and Tuesday evenings, and it comes because of the weekend before - and it is an example of bad depression affecting me. My dreams are nightmares most of the time - ones where my friends are the people that hate me, my dad drinking and my parents arguing. I cannot go on like this. It is way too scary.
Anyway, I am going to try to sleep. And I hope for no more bad dreams. This blog post has helped me to conclude what it is that has been troubling me since about the middle of my life. I have finally got it out there for all to read.
